I Have Seen the Future?

Some day it will be socially acceptable to smoke blunts rolled from Cuban cigars whilst attending your gay cousins wedding, to which you will have arrived on the country’s environmentally friendly public transportation. Those of us who live across the nation may choose to fly Southwest’s solar powered fleet which features ample leg room and complementary bubbly and/or bubba kush to all of their passengers. Better even still, you won’t have to take your shoes off at the airport anymore because the Drag Queen Military will have squashed terrorism in THEIR 7 inch lucite heels. So. Fierce. Pink camo has never been so hot.

Guess what!? Panda's are off the endangered species list!!! Thanks to an extensive rehabilitation they’re finally off the opiates and they have the energy to make sweet panda love again. All the empty jails are being repurposed into free amusement parks and wildlife refuges because there are so many goddamn panda's now we have to put them somewhere. Lord knows Guantanamo just wasn’t going to be big enough not to mention no one felt comfortable displacing the indigenous nudist colony that resides there.

However, pigs are now committing jihad once they've achieved optimal weight because they believe the highest honor in life is coming back as bacon. Our hands are really tied here, all we can do is say thank you sweet sweet little piggy. BLT's are served at Thanksgiving out of reverence, although some traditionalists prefer Club sandwiches but we don't judge them no we don't.

The Pope finally tied the knot with his mistress of 30 years (Madonna), and the material granny has convinced him to promote birth control and safe sex. Priests now pass out condoms after every mass. All the abortion clinics have closed due to lack of business and HIV is as foreign as polio. Don't you worry though, the clinic’s employees found higher paying jobs within a few days. Most of them are now employed at one of our nations many Community Centers which are actually the defunct Women’s Shelters founded by Sir Chris Brown and Mel Gibson. True philanthropists those two.

No one is offended by racial slurs because who can even remember the negative connotations? Somehow they’ve evolved in our lexicon as terms of endearment and it’s just as commonplace to call your lover “beaner” or “chink” as it is to say “sweetheart” or “babe”. “Some LA Niggas” is a popular lullaby, whispered to sleeping babies everywhere... which just goes to show- all you mother f*ckers did NOT forget about Dre. On second thought, such provocative children’s fare may also be attributed to the fact that more and more men are able to birth babies. Hmmm...I’ll have to look into that connection.

Global warming has reversed itself and it is highly encouraged that you throw your Big Gulp cup out of the window of a moving vehicle. All containers biodegrade within 24 hours, plus they are comprised of organic plant seeds native to the area; so in essence you are planting a tree or a crop every time you litter. Speaking of litter, can kittens be any cuter??? No, so clearly nothing has changed there.

In other related awesome news, The borders have all been opened up. It all started with Arizona’s pledge to protect, safeguard and support their Latin American brothers. Everyone was in such a heightened state of the warm fuzzies after the proclamation, the entire state (legal’s and illegal’s) banded together and vowed to expand the love across the border. Man, woman, and child fought side by side in a two day pillow fight which resulted in eradicating cartels and corruption in the Mexican government. The losers each got noogies, although some of the really bad ones developed prostate cancer which miraculously went away in those that were truly repentant of their evil ways. That’s how you could tell that they were genuinely sorry. To this day if you show an Arizona ID you get free taco’s and margaritas in all of Mexico.

The borders into Canada are open as well, but since no one really needs another little souvenir bottle of Maple syrup, people still just pretty much stay home.

ZUCCHINI

Prize Cow

HEY BABY

Parties and Prayers

I spent midnight mass at the foot of a DJ’s pulpit.
A sermon so indulgent,
with hands out stretched
I recite the prophets text
Straight from the liner notes.
Track ten verse two.
Scripture so true
You can cross-stitch it on a pillow.

The congregation of the Underground
United by vices, heavenly voices muddled by
Ice cubes clinking in an
empty glass.

I’ve subscribed to the nightlife’s
religion of decadence.
A dogma obscured yet enhanced
by strobe lights
fist fights
fishnet tights
and dark moonless nights.

My Child,
“Drink two Bloody Mary’s and your sins shall be absolved.”
Your hangover resolved.
The earth can still revolve
Around you.

A holy trinity of booty, booze and break beats.
A crutch for the other six days of the week.

Parties and prayers
Preachers and Players
Lovers and Haters
Yes men and nay-sayers
Non-repentant in our sweat drenched idolatry.

-MROSE (2009)

PET PEEVES IN PROSE: PART I

Mapquest:

Aptly named, this online “service”

doth exist with one sole purpose

To confound, confuse and often condemn

Me to one way streets, dark alleys, dead ends.

A quest indeed, I’ve embarked upon

Twenty-one miles never seemed so long.

When mapping my route I chose the shortest journey.

But 10 minutes in and things look Other-Worldly.

From Winchells, Mc Donalds and a Marix Tex Mex,

Past Bowsers Castle, Hogwarts and a T-Rex.

What street have I turned on? It appears pretty gritty.

Is it me or does that Ralphs look like Goblin City?

Have I made the ‘slight right’ at the directions insistence?

This map makes no mention of Mordor in the distance.

A sharp left at Narnia and I’ve hit a dead end.

I’ll probably be late for that lunch with my friend.

This map is a hoax, I think I’m it’s pawn.

Nothing can save me, not even Aslan.

I’ve run over something. A brick with a flower?

There goes my windshield. Thanks, fire power.

Salvation may lay in the upcoming off ramp.

Unfortunately its also where the Orcs like to camp.

Deciphering these clues is a chore more or less.

And I’m still not quite sure how I saved the princess.

I’d assumed those red lights were the brakes from a Lexus

Upon closer inspection they seem the eyes of a Skeksis.

It’s dark and it’s cold. Blast this cars stupid heater!

I hope it’s just broken and not the breath of a death-eater.

The accompanying map should show me the route.

I wish it were zoomed in, instead of completely zoomed out.

The only advice from this map I can pin

Is the B to my A lay east of the ocean.

Culver City is where I had once hoped to land

The Southern Oracle is where I fear I now stand.

16 minutes claimed the map. It should not take more!

But I took the freeway, when I should’ve taken Falcor.

(oopsies! My young-adult fantasy novels are showing.)

Until the End of Time

Dear Love,

I love you so much that words cannot even express the depth of my feelings. The last three years we’ve spent together have been the very best years of my life. I love you forever and ever times infinity, or at least until the apocalypse happens; whichever comes first. Pumpkin, It’s not that I’ll stop loving you after the apocalypse, it’s just that I’ll need to go into survival mode, and that means finding someone who’s better equipped at taking care of me. Oh please don’t be so sad! Maybe you can come with us! I’ll ask, I just don’t want you to get your hopes up, I’m not sure how much extra room he’ll have in his space ship.

Sweetheart, you are my sun and my moon…until they both implode and you’re left on a dark and dying planet while I’m whisked off to a well-stocked space station in a faraway galaxy with a new sun and 3 moons.

My love, I think of no other but you and smile at the very thought of spending the rest of our lives together…like I said, prior to the apocalypse. I really don’t think your lungs are going to survive the blast and I only have one of these little protective suit thingy’s and it’s in a size small, otherwise I’d totally share it with you.

Honeybear, I am SO lucky to have you in my life. I’m just so lucky in general to know that my life span will far exceed yours thanks to my high ranking Back-up Plan. I will always be there for you whenever you need me, but you should know that I will be evacuated to a safe house no less than 20 minutes before the rage virus and mass hysteria strike. YOU complete me.

I Love you forever,

Your loving Lover

XOXO

Misty