Some day it will be socially acceptable to smoke blunts rolled from Cuban cigars whilst attending your gay cousins wedding, to which you will have arrived on the country’s environmentally friendly public transportation. Those of us who live across the nation may choose to fly Southwest’s solar powered fleet which features ample leg room and complementary bubbly and/or bubba kush to all of their passengers. Better even still, you won’t have to take your shoes off at the airport anymore because the Drag Queen Military will have squashed terrorism in THEIR 7 inch lucite heels. So. Fierce. Pink camo has never been so hot.
Guess what!? Panda's are off the endangered species list!!! Thanks to an extensive rehabilitation they’re finally off the opiates and they have the energy to make sweet panda love again. All the empty jails are being repurposed into free amusement parks and wildlife refuges because there are so many goddamn panda's now we have to put them somewhere. Lord knows Guantanamo just wasn’t going to be big enough not to mention no one felt comfortable displacing the indigenous nudist colony that resides there.
However, pigs are now committing jihad once they've achieved optimal weight because they believe the highest honor in life is coming back as bacon. Our hands are really tied here, all we can do is say thank you sweet sweet little piggy. BLT's are served at Thanksgiving out of reverence, although some traditionalists prefer Club sandwiches but we don't judge them no we don't.
The Pope finally tied the knot with his mistress of 30 years (Madonna), and the material granny has convinced him to promote birth control and safe sex. Priests now pass out condoms after every mass. All the abortion clinics have closed due to lack of business and HIV is as foreign as polio. Don't you worry though, the clinic’s employees found higher paying jobs within a few days. Most of them are now employed at one of our nations many Community Centers which are actually the defunct Women’s Shelters founded by Sir Chris Brown and Mel Gibson. True philanthropists those two.
No one is offended by racial slurs because who can even remember the negative connotations? Somehow they’ve evolved in our lexicon as terms of endearment and it’s just as commonplace to call your lover “beaner” or “chink” as it is to say “sweetheart” or “babe”. “Some LA Niggas” is a popular lullaby, whispered to sleeping babies everywhere... which just goes to show- all you mother f*ckers did NOT forget about Dre. On second thought, such provocative children’s fare may also be attributed to the fact that more and more men are able to birth babies. Hmmm...I’ll have to look into that connection.
Global warming has reversed itself and it is highly encouraged that you throw your Big Gulp cup out of the window of a moving vehicle. All containers biodegrade within 24 hours, plus they are comprised of organic plant seeds native to the area; so in essence you are planting a tree or a crop every time you litter. Speaking of litter, can kittens be any cuter??? No, so clearly nothing has changed there.
In other related awesome news, The borders have all been opened up. It all started with Arizona’s pledge to protect, safeguard and support their Latin American brothers. Everyone was in such a heightened state of the warm fuzzies after the proclamation, the entire state (legal’s and illegal’s) banded together and vowed to expand the love across the border. Man, woman, and child fought side by side in a two day pillow fight which resulted in eradicating cartels and corruption in the Mexican government. The losers each got noogies, although some of the really bad ones developed prostate cancer which miraculously went away in those that were truly repentant of their evil ways. That’s how you could tell that they were genuinely sorry. To this day if you show an Arizona ID you get free taco’s and margaritas in all of Mexico.
The borders into Canada are open as well, but since no one really needs another little souvenir bottle of Maple syrup, people still just pretty much stay home.
