PET PEEVES IN PROSE: PART I

Mapquest:

Aptly named, this online “service”

doth exist with one sole purpose

To confound, confuse and often condemn

Me to one way streets, dark alleys, dead ends.

A quest indeed, I’ve embarked upon

Twenty-one miles never seemed so long.

When mapping my route I chose the shortest journey.

But 10 minutes in and things look Other-Worldly.

From Winchells, Mc Donalds and a Marix Tex Mex,

Past Bowsers Castle, Hogwarts and a T-Rex.

What street have I turned on? It appears pretty gritty.

Is it me or does that Ralphs look like Goblin City?

Have I made the ‘slight right’ at the directions insistence?

This map makes no mention of Mordor in the distance.

A sharp left at Narnia and I’ve hit a dead end.

I’ll probably be late for that lunch with my friend.

This map is a hoax, I think I’m it’s pawn.

Nothing can save me, not even Aslan.

I’ve run over something. A brick with a flower?

There goes my windshield. Thanks, fire power.

Salvation may lay in the upcoming off ramp.

Unfortunately its also where the Orcs like to camp.

Deciphering these clues is a chore more or less.

And I’m still not quite sure how I saved the princess.

I’d assumed those red lights were the brakes from a Lexus

Upon closer inspection they seem the eyes of a Skeksis.

It’s dark and it’s cold. Blast this cars stupid heater!

I hope it’s just broken and not the breath of a death-eater.

The accompanying map should show me the route.

I wish it were zoomed in, instead of completely zoomed out.

The only advice from this map I can pin

Is the B to my A lay east of the ocean.

Culver City is where I had once hoped to land

The Southern Oracle is where I fear I now stand.

16 minutes claimed the map. It should not take more!

But I took the freeway, when I should’ve taken Falcor.

(oopsies! My young-adult fantasy novels are showing.)